Tuesday, July 26, 2005

News....for what it's worth.

I read something online that just bugged the crap out of me.

In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania a fallen Marine was laid to rest after succumbing to injuries that he received while fighting in Iraq. The Lt. Governor of Pennsylvania, Catherine Baker Knoll, showed up at the funeral UNINVITED and proceeded to hand out business cards to people and tell everyone, including the marines aunt, that "our government" was opposed to the war. Then she started mugging it up for the cameras but had little to say to the family.

I don't know how anyone else would feel about it but I think her doing that is some dark, dark shit. You're risking your life to wake me up in the morning and tell me you love me (not that that would ever happen to me) but show up 1) uninvited and 2) God forbid start campaigning at a loved ones funeral, and you have just signed off on a ass whipping (or as we'd say it back home - whuppin'). Come time for the next election, dear Lt. Governor, the ballot may not be your friend. I'm not a political person but I'm pretty sure you're f'cked.

I think it is terrible that those Scout masters were killed at the Boy Scout Jamboree in northern Virginia and my condolences got out to their families. I'm sure a lot of people are thinking "How did that happen? They are Scout masters?" In their defense most of them were from Alaska. When do you honestly think was the last time those guys put up a tent near a power line in ALASKA?

One thing that I have learned from the news is not to ever, ever, ever, f'ing ever run in a London subway. Evidently they take that running in the subway stuff really seriously.

That kind of activity made me appreciate the fact that getting caught running in the halls at school would get you a slip of paper from the geeky hall monitor. I mean, not that I ever ran in school because there was absolutely nowhere in that building I was in a hurry to get to.

NASA, after 2.5 years, finally launched the Discovery. Now they are examining all of the debris that fell off during lift-off. How would you like to be the guy that tells the crew, "Great lift off guys! Now we're going to go sweep up all the stuff that fell off of the shuttle when ya'll left. See you when you get back and enjoy those packets of Tang!" If that won't get the pucker factor going then I don't know what will.

Okay, I swear this is true. A 19 year-old drunk Amish teen in Ohio was arrested for stealing flower pots and house numbers. What led to his arrest you ask? Okay, I'll tell you. People were calling and complaining about loud music coming from a buggy.

*Awkward silence....and que the crickets*.

Yeah, that's what I thought. You think he's be stealing something like, oh I don't know, cable....or electricity. I don't even want to know what kind of trouble that kid got into with his family. Oh hell who am I kidding, yeah I do.

Man was killed by a falling cow.

(When you go cow tipping you push them AWAY from you.)

A 62 year-old woman who was pissed about being searched by an airport screener pushed the screener against the wall and grabbed her breasts. If convicted she faces up to a year in prison and a $100,000 fine.

A year in prison? Lucky for her she can grab all the boobies she wants.

Lucky for anyone reading this I probably won't comment on the news anymore...because I think it's stupid. I should have stopped a long time ago but I couldn't stop typing. Weird how that happens.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

It's friggin HOT!

Dear sweet Lord of Hosts is it hot outside! No, I don't mean your "garden variety" hot, I mean hot like Satan-put-a-hit-on-all-of-mankind, kind of hot. The devil himself wouldn't come up here without a little battery operated fan clipped to his pitchfork.

You see, I know these things because I'm the "lawnmower crash test dummy" that went out the other day and mowed my grass at like 12:30 in the after-friggin-noon. I told my son that I was going out to mow the grass and he told me that he'd get the bowl of water ready. I have a huge mixing bowl that I put water and ice in so when I get hot I come in and put my face in it. Crude, I know...at least it is until you have a body temp forcing you into convulsions...or so my melodramatic mind would allow me to believe. As it is now I'm still sporting the burn mark from when I hit my head on the surface of the sun while walking out the back door. Stupid low slung orb.

Anyhoo, stomping into the backyard in my son's old tennis shoes (a spider built a web in mine) and wearing my laundry day fashions, I start the mower. After about 15 feet of mowing I start my rant. You know how people grumble under their breath when they are doing something that they really don't like doing? Well I'm not one of those people. I go into a fitpitch mode that can be clearly heard over that old Briggs and Stratton engine. I'm sure the church going elderly and impressionable youngsters enjoyed my wicked diatribe. The only time I didn't have a crapfit was when my head was submersed in water in the kitchen but as soon as I caught my breath again and walked outside I continued to entertain the neighbors with my melodious ranting.

I'm surprised no one called the cops.

Needless to say, I didn't mow the front yard, nor did I weed whack. Next time I'm just going to buy some goats or just pave the whole thing. "Kids, I'm going to go sweep the backyaaaard!"

*A little side note: All of my offensive behavior could have been avoided if the friend that I asked to come shoot me before I got too far into the work to become miserable would have shown up. So, blame him...I'm just a victim here. And in two weeks, when the grass gets high, I'll be a victim again.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Chinese Food

I went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant tonight. The food was good but you know what they say, "You're hungry again in two hours!". This is no myth my friends but the thing is, no one ever tells you why. The reason you are raiding the refrigerator again so soon is because CHINESE FOOD RIPS THROUGH YOUR GUT LIKE A RUNAWAY FREIGHT TRAIN! Before you can sign the credit card receipt the countdown has begun.

If you need to rent a movie from the video store for your in-home viewing pleasure it is in your best interest to snag your copy before dining. Trust me, you don't want to enter Blockbuster in an indecisive fog with a belly full of vindictive chinese.

The cramps are bad enough but when the sweat starts you certainly want to have the "Temple of the Toilet" well within your line of vision.

Fortune cookie: "You have a quiet and unobtrusive nature." HA HA HA! And the hits just keeeeep onnnnnn coming!

This is who I am...or whatever

My name is Shannon and for now I live in Hampton, Virginia. I am a married mother of two sarcastic kids and I'm a volunteer firefighter/EMT at Station One.

What kind of personality do I have you ask? I dunno, maybe you should ask those poor fools unfortunate enough to be associated with me. I guess one could say that I am sarcastic, witty, funny, irreverent, honest, respectful and rarely politically correct. On the flip-side I am easy to talk to about anything and have the uncanny ability to keep everything I am told to myself. Weird, huh? I love all kinds of movies but am a sucker for "Monty Python" and the like. My favorite movie is "The Dead Poets Society", a fact that some would find odd. Most who know me find me odd anyway. My favorite word is "Avalon", I don't know why. I aspire to one day become a paid firefighter/paramedic/paramedic instructor. My dream job, however is to be a paramedic and to be a member of and/or to write for Saturday Night Live. Yeah, I don't ask a lot.

In October I am going to move to Alaska...which should be a f'ing festival for a girl born and raised in Georgia. I'll be sure to post pictures of me standing next to a snowboard that I'm never going to use. I'm going to spend the first year with a sign on my two-wheel drive SUV that reads "I'M SOUTHERN....GO AROUND!" My plan is to take two pictures of my truck, one before I run off in a ditch and one after. Don't worry, I'll post those too.

As I mentioned, I am originally from Georgia, Columbus, Georgia that is. They call it the Peach State but I don't like peaches. Strangely enough people display their own versions of "shock and awe" when they hear such terrible news. They say, "But you're from Georgia!" Then I have to gingerly explain to the non-believers that liking peaches is not a part of any unwritten criteria when born in Georgia. I like peanuts, driving in mud. And oh yeah, I like kudzu.