Wednesday, November 16, 2011

It would be appreciated if...

It would be appreciated if the last person in the building turns off the hall lights.

It would also be appreciated if:

The person who uses the last binder clip or pen puts more in the tray;

And if the person who jams the copier fixes it or uses the last bit of paper in the copier replaces it instead of moving to another copier;

And if the person who uses the last roll of toilet paper puts more in the bathroom instead of complaining to those who have plenty of it in theirs…because we’re not 12 years old;

And if the person who asks others to do the same thing over and over learns how to do it themselves;

And if the person who “can’t see in the dark” stops driving in it;

And if the person who keeps talking will stop when the person engaged in this conversational hostage situation has walked off;

And if the person who slings coffee grounds all over the kitchen and then walks in them would not do it anymore;

And if the person who runs out of coffee in the pot would stop talking to those who don’t care that it happened;

And if those who clip their nails at work would stop because someone is going to lose an eye;

And if those who leave food in the refrigerator far past the date of intended consumption would learn what the rest of us already know…that is doesn’t just disappear;

I could go on….

Friday, November 04, 2011

Whipped Cream and Amber's Husband Joe

One day I decided to go out to the coffee shack in our parking lot to get a frozen coffee drink...which makes all KINDS of sense when it is 4 degrees outside and gale force windy. Amber's husband, Joe, was also getting a drink so I sat in his car with him.

I was invited. Don't think I just barrelled on in.

The girl making my drink and asked if I wanted some whipped cream in my sugar-free, fat-free drink and I replied that I would like some but "just a little bit".

She hands me the drink by way of Joe and wouldn't you just know that the "just a little bit" of whipped cream that I agreed to had filled all the air space in the dome lid and was pouring out onto the outside of the cup. I had to get the stuff off of there before I got it on my clothes and in the car and there was only one way to do it...

lick it off... front of Joe... the front seat of their family sedan.

I told him to look away and he gave me a rash of shit about it. I even put up hand blinders so he couldn't see me. Later Amber comes up and gives me a rash of shit in equal measure. This post was borne of this incident. It started off as an e-mail to Erin and Amber.

Hey Amber: Sorry about the soft-core porn in front of your husband. Sigh.

In my head I looked like this:

In reality I probably looked like this:

And this:

And then I was a black guy:

An Email Between Erin, Amber and I

This guy came into my work to fix our heater...his name was Brian and he was hot...and I once again got to display what an idiot I can truly be. All I have to do is open my mouth.

Okay Amber, Erin already knows this but you have to know too.

The heat went out today and they sent this guy *Brian* to fix it. Well, Brian was very, very good looking unlike the window licking chest thumper we normally get. AND he sounds just like Seth Rogan but way cuter.

So, Brian gets finished with his work and is talking to Mary in front of my desk. He says “Hopefully you guys won’t have to see me again” and what do I say Amber? AND WHAT DO I SAY OUTLOUD? I said “You can come back any time you want!”

He looked at me and smiled as he walked down the stairs.

I’m sure the last thing he saw after I smiled was me visibly attempting to suck the words back in.