Thursday, October 28, 2010

Erin, are you doing what I think you're doing?

Were you using some of these?

‘Cuz it sure sounded like you were using some of those.

And if you were, I will do this to you...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chipotle crumb IN MY EYE!

I bought some of the rice and adzuki bean chips with chipotle cheese from Costco and they are delicious. Well, I’m sitting on my couch eating some last night and I don’t know if I sighed into my hand or what but a rice and adzuki chip with chipotle cheese CRUMB flew INTO MY EYE.

The chips have chipotle in them. Chipotle burns the EVERYTHING.

I blinked a lot but didn’t rub because I had make up on which would’ve made it burn more and the crumb would shred my cornea in the process. I could have gone to the bathroom and rinsed the crumb out but that would have involved me leaving the couch and since I didn’t currently have to pee or anything I really didn’t see the point in taking it that far.

So, I sat there watching the television through one eye until the pain subsided. I kept eating the chips but avoided breathing into my hand.

Like I said, the chips are delicious and I would have told the emergency room that if needed.

Showing my kids "The God of Cake"

So, I read "The God of Cake" blog post from a blogger named Allie Brosh (, to the kids. I try to really amp up the drama by slowly scrolling up the pictures to really enhance the progression of the little girl coming into the frame to steal the cake.

Do you know how hard that is? I can totally ruin the experience by doing the following:

“Okay here we go! No, wait. Don’t look! Evan seriously! Turn around you’re going to ruin it!”

Evan: “I’M going to ruin it????”

Me: “Shush, I’m trying to make this work. Okay here it is she’s peeking up over the…wait, what happened? The computer froze? Sonofabitch!”

Connor: "Stop clicking the mouse, Mom!" (Then to Evan) "She always does that. It'll never work."

(***Evan rolls her eyes***)

Me: "Connor I KNOW what I'm doing!"

Connor: "No you don't."

Me: "Yes I do."

Evan: "Then why isn't it working?"

Me: "UGH!"

Connor: “Mom, can I finish watching my show?”

Me: “No you can’t, you both are going to enjoy this! Because it’s friggin’ funny! Pause the damn show again Connor…stop hitting play or I’m going to hit live and change the channel and make you wait for a re-run.”

Connor: “It comes on On Demand.”

Me: “Then I’ll cancel cable.”

Evan: “No you won’t.”

Me: “Watch the computer.”

Evan: “It’s not working.”

Me: “It will, hang on.”

Connor: “I hate this.”

Me: “Okay, here we go!”

Finally we got through it and the kids thought it was funny.

I finished out my night with alcohol.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Last winter...

John walks up to me in the living room and says, “I have the car started in the driveway.” I say “Okay” and walk off. He comes into the bathroom while I am in the shower and says, “I have the car started in the driveway.” I say “Okay” and he leaves. I’m in the bedroom getting ready for work and he looks in the door and says, “I have the car started in the driveway”. At this point I say, “Well why don't you go out there and drive it?”

He asks me who is going to steer while he pushes and I look at him like he’s nuts. Then he says, “I have the car stuck in the driveway and I need to get it out.”

Now it makes sense. I told him that I couldn’t figure out why he kept following me around telling me that the car was started in the driveway when the whole time he was telling me it was stuck. I was thinking, well he does that every day. Does he want me to congratulate him? Why is starting the car this morning such a big deal?

We go out into the driveway and they push while I steer. It became clear to me that my husband from Buffalo, NY doesn’t realize that if the car sits there and spins its wheels it will slick the snow up and traction is gone. I go into the house and get some of my daughter’s old jeans to jam up under the front tire for traction. (In doing this I manage to get into snow up to my hip and have to be pulled out). They push, I hit the gas and the car comes out. I stop. John is yelling asking why I stopped but I’m not really sure. They push, I hit the gas, the car moves and John falls face down in the driveway. Oh yes, I laughed.

I said to John, “Those jeans under the tire were a good idea, huh?” He agreed. I told him that I come from a long line of “Hey, let’s stick that under there!”

We would stick anything under a tire to get a vehicle out of the mud and I mean anything. We’d get a car stuck and people would hide their children.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

My Jello Cup? Not Fantastic.

When I open my little cups of Jello I always sip the liquid on the top of the Jello because it’s like bonus Kool-Aid.

This time it didn’t go as planned because when I sipped my bonus Kool-Aid I ended up getting a mouthful of Jello skin which is nothing like bonus Kool-Aid. Admittedly, it was somewhat tasty but the texture made me gag. I was going to spit it out but it slid down my throat like it had some life's mission to be digested instead of discarded.

Either way it was gross and I won’t let it happen again.

Just to let everyone know my Jello didn't have sprinkles in it like the above image...and no Jello ever should. THAT? Is worse than the fucking Jello skin. I mean really. Who puts sprinkles in Jello? Evidently some deranged birthday party mom who thinks that kind of thing is cute. Those type of people don't look 5 minutes into the future at the Jello cups with the multi-colored shit slog melding together on the top.

Remember kids, Jello is best paired with vodka, not sprinkles. Even shitty vodka is better than sprinkles.

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